Monday, January 31, 2005

It Lives.

So, the big project alluded to below is up and running. American Nerd, baby. Read 'er and weep. Fresh crud every monday.

I'll probably resume posting stuff here at my usual irregular pace after AmNerd settles into a smoothly-functioning groove.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Watch this Space

So, usually when I go foe over a month without updating, it's because I'm immensely lazy. Not this time. I've been spending the past month putting all of my energy into a new, fancier, more life-changing web-based venture (exciting, no?). The new project will go live at the end of this month, and I'll certainly put a link to it here.

So, um, keep watching the skies (or some other nerdy closing line).

Friday, December 10, 2004

Today, the comic stylings of Mr. Mike Allred.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Today's image search: Temperance River.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Today's image search: Doberman puppies

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Today's image search: The Chrysler Building

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Manifesto for a Better America

1. We do not trust those new, grapefruit-sized avocadoes that are mysteriously sweeping the upper Midwest. "Slimcado" does not sound appetizing.
2. We would be sincerely touched by your commitment to supporting the troops if you painted one of those ribbons on. Magnets are for weenies.
3. As long as we have iPods and cell phones, we have no intention of being alone with our thoughts for any longer than it takes to fall asleep at night.
4. We are confident that we stand on the verge of eliminating once and for all the scourge of acid reflux disease.
5. And erectile dysfunction's days are numbered, as well.
6. We are all the way down with off-leash dog parks.
7. We feel pretty good about traffic roundabouts, too.
8. We would like to see San Andreas for the PC as soon as possible.
9. We feel compelled to point out that, while not wearing underwear may initially feel fun-naughty, it will only lead to a chafed realization that you have been dumb.
10. We ask that if you oppose teaching Evolution in school, you show the courtesy of being consistent and eschewing other fruits of science like air travel, modern medicine, and Dodge trucks with hemis.
11. We want Hank Williams Jr.'s head on a pike, and we want it now.
12. We have no beef with your love of slash fiction, but we have to admit that we really don't get it.
13. If you are an actor who has appeared in a commercial wherein someone says something along the lines of "Work it!" or "You go, girl!" while someone else dances around awkwardly, we plan on gunning you down in a parking lot somewhere.
14. We propose that rolled Rs become standard English usage. It's a lot more fun that way.

THIS IS OUR TIME. THESE ARE OUR DEMANDS. WE SHALL NOT REST UNTIL... WELL, UNTIL WE'RE REALLY TIRED.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Rich Kids

While waiting to see Sideways (which absolutely ruled), I saw a preview for some goddamned movie about some goddamned kid who miraculously comes to possess millions of dollars (it might be pounds, actually- they might have been British, I can't remember, I went and drank a bunch of wine after seeing Sideways... that's what that movie demands). That in itself is a pretty cool premise for a movie—what's not to like about a kid with unlimited resources? All hell would break loose. But, predictably, it looks like they flubbed it. The kid uses the money to help people.

My ass. Aside from being a lame approach to the story, it's just unrealistic. No kid worth his salt would use the money to help people. They'd go hog wild.

If I'd come into millions of dollars at the age of 10, I would have:

-paid for my parents' AMC Spirit to be modified to transform into a giant robot

-bought my neighbors' house, knocked it down, and used the lot to park several trucks full of Doritos and Coke

-worked tirelessly to figure out who I'd have to bribe to let an overweight 10-year-old take the field for the Nebraska Cornhuskers

-gotten a really big-ass TV screen to hook my Commodore 64 up to for optimum video-gaming pleasure

-bought like a thousand dogs

Friday, November 19, 2004

Hey, Doo, Fix Us up a Couple of them Baloney Sandwiches

Last night, we went down to Mystic Lake Casino to see Loretta Lynn. Seemed like the obvious thing to do; we're old-timey country fans, we loved Van Lear Rose, and I've always kicked myself for not seeing Johnny Cash before he died.

Well, now I can say that I caught Loretta's act before she died, but it might have been just in the nick of time. She's not looking too well—it's weird, because she sounds really vital on Van Lear Rose, but onstage, in an enormous dress that looked rather bridal, she radiated fragility. She did most of the show sitting down, and forgot the words to several songs (she dropped lines here and there, and at one point got so lost that a member of the backup band had to start singing so she could get her bearings).

All that said, she did really well on the songs that she remembered. She only did one song from Van Lear—"Portland, Oregon"—but it was really cool, with a backup singer doing a passable Jack White. The rest of the set list stuck to the hits, which drives me nuts with rock bands but seemed just right here. Hearing her voice hover right at its breaking point in the chorus of "Honky Tonk Girl" was cool enough to justify driving all the way out there.

The weirdest moment of the night came during the one song I hadn't heard before, called something like "God Bless America Again." For this one, Loretta stood off to one side of the stage and asked the lord to wipe the tears off of America's pretty face while a backup singer stood center stage and spoke in preachervoice about how we need to put the bible back in the classroom and the ten commandments back in the courtroom, and what's wrong with one nation under god, anyway? We actually started laughing because it was such a goofy spectacle, but the vast majority of the audience stood up and started whooping; and a few of them cast the stinkeye our way for being disrespectful. But what can you do?


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This was my first time at Mystic Lake, and I was shocked at what a depression factory that place was. Jesus. I can't remember seeing a single person who didn't have a blank, robotic look on their face while we walked through the casino. Sitting at the slot machines with a smoke in one hand and a finger rhythmically punching the bet button, they looked (as Rebecca's sister pointed out) like a bunch of chickens in a psychology experiment, trying to get a pellet of food or something.

No good.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Again with the Rock Writing

Piece in this week's Pulse about Twin Cities band The Glad Version. They're a nice bunch of guys who, like 75% of the population of Minneapolis and St. Paul, went to Luther College.

Monday, November 15, 2004

WiReD Interview with Jeff Tweedy

In which Tweedy shows remarkable coolness about where music-delivery technology is heading.

Friday, November 12, 2004

The Riddler Hangs It Up

Seems to be superheroes week at McSweeney's.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Pille's Amazing Secrets Revealed!

Here's an article in the newest Rift wherein I spill my guts about what various songs are actually about.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Bad Things to be Awakened By

1. The bulk of Jim Belushi's gut as he sleepily rolls over and puts an arm around you
2. Cats jumping on your groin
3. The sound of a wolf tearing your tent open
4. Fox news
5. Your hangover
6. Rumbling guts
7. The smell of napalm in the morning
8. The anesthetic running out
9. Rats
10. Spontaneous combustion

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Slogans Rejected by the Twin Cities Tourism Board

1. It's not that cold. Don't be such a pussy.
2. We guarantee we smell better than Sioux City.
3. You know we're a big city because our cab drivers are shitty!
4. Minneapolis- home of the passive-aggressive skyway busker.
5. Putting the "great" in "great plains!"
6. St. Paul- closed at 5 PM.
7. Just be glad you're not in Omaha.
8. Hey, what the fuck did you expect? This ain't Vancouver.