Friday, October 01, 2004

Archetypes Observed in the Urgent Care Waiting Room This Morning
(I'm fine, thanks for asking)

1. Howling children; listen, kid, I understand you don't feel well, but lay off the pipes, huh?

2. 30-ish woman in abject tears; I don't know what was up with her, but I'm assuming it's not a pleasant story.

3. Middle-aged women with the approximate IQ of a bar of hand soap discussing last night's Kerry-Bush debate ("that Kerry looks like he pays a lot to get his hair done. Makes you wonder, huh?").

4. 82-year-old-man hitting on 21-year-old-receptionist (both ages came up during their conversation) by bragging that he'd been married for 58 years, and all the young men are liars and thieves.

5. Gangsta-type guy trying to be a good father for about ten minutes, until he got irritated with his child and plunked her down to watch The Price is Right while he went off and fiddled with the self-service blood pressure machine (he would later return and get very, very involved in watching a woman on Price play Plinko).

Maxim Does the Classics

Hate to keep posting single-link stuff to McSweeney's, but this piece by Wendy Molyneux is pure genius.

Belly up to the bar, J-Man.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Clearing House of a Month of Unposted Backlog

Item! I've got another piece up in the latest issue of the Rake. Straightforward humor this time, without any of that crazy journalism stuff. I sort of expect to get an angry letter or two because of the crack about the Minneapolis Police Department.

Item! And speaking of the Minneapolis Police Department, this thread on the Minnesota Offroad Cyclists Board pisses me off pretty mightily. Stepped-up enforcement of a bicycling speed limit? Seriously?! This is after a full two years of public kvetching about limited budgets and resources in the department; suddenly, people going faster than 10 mph around Lake Harriet is a top priority that must be addressed.

Here's a suggestion… if the City of Minneapolis is really up in arms about the underside of the cycling world, how about they do something about the rampant bike theft in town (exhibit A: some cockknocker broke into our building two weekends ago and stole Rebecca's bike; I'm assuming my road bike was spared because the handlebars were snapped in half at the time. And exhibit B: at least once a week, I can count on seeing someone riding down Lake Street on a multi-thousand-dollar mountain bike with platform pedals and the seat jacked down to the frame)? Or maybe do something about people parking their cars in bike-only lanes? Or start some sort of public-awareness campaign to spread the message that it's legal to ride your bike in the street, despite what some deranged fucks like to shout at me as they whiz past on my commute home?

Item! Also had an article in last week's Pulse of the Twin Cities. I'm coming off of sort of a dry period as far as the music writing goes, but it should be ramping up again shortly.

Item! I may doing a reading at the U of M to promote Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans. This is somewhat in doubt, though, because I still haven't actually gotten confirmation. On the other hand, maybe it's ok if it doesn't happen, because I guess Michael Moore may be speaking on campus at the same time, and I'm thinking that everyone will be there either listening or protesting, not leaving a lot of people for old-timey funny lit readings.

Item! Speaking of Created in Darkness, another publication has chosen to single out my story as a prime example of how many of the pieces in the book are only funny if you happen to have some esoteric piece of background knowledge. And once again, they're right.