Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Manifesto for a Better America

1. We do not trust those new, grapefruit-sized avocadoes that are mysteriously sweeping the upper Midwest. "Slimcado" does not sound appetizing.
2. We would be sincerely touched by your commitment to supporting the troops if you painted one of those ribbons on. Magnets are for weenies.
3. As long as we have iPods and cell phones, we have no intention of being alone with our thoughts for any longer than it takes to fall asleep at night.
4. We are confident that we stand on the verge of eliminating once and for all the scourge of acid reflux disease.
5. And erectile dysfunction's days are numbered, as well.
6. We are all the way down with off-leash dog parks.
7. We feel pretty good about traffic roundabouts, too.
8. We would like to see San Andreas for the PC as soon as possible.
9. We feel compelled to point out that, while not wearing underwear may initially feel fun-naughty, it will only lead to a chafed realization that you have been dumb.
10. We ask that if you oppose teaching Evolution in school, you show the courtesy of being consistent and eschewing other fruits of science like air travel, modern medicine, and Dodge trucks with hemis.
11. We want Hank Williams Jr.'s head on a pike, and we want it now.
12. We have no beef with your love of slash fiction, but we have to admit that we really don't get it.
13. If you are an actor who has appeared in a commercial wherein someone says something along the lines of "Work it!" or "You go, girl!" while someone else dances around awkwardly, we plan on gunning you down in a parking lot somewhere.
14. We propose that rolled Rs become standard English usage. It's a lot more fun that way.

THIS IS OUR TIME. THESE ARE OUR DEMANDS. WE SHALL NOT REST UNTIL... WELL, UNTIL WE'RE REALLY TIRED.